My Inner Struggles

My Inner Struggles

I crept through a narrow space in one corner of my room.
Staring, crying and could not understand how I feel.

Anxious, afraid and don’t know what to do. I could not express myself.
I don’t want them to hurt me!
Their voices are so loud. It’ hurts my ear!
I could not even understand what they are trying to say to me.

Why can’t they leave me alone?
I want to play on my own.
I love to spin the wheel of my toy car. It’s fun!
I don’t want any other children to play with me.
Why do they have to turn off the tap?
I want to play water and see the water flow over my skin. It makes me happy!
Why do I have to wear these clothes?
It itches and makes my skin sore. I only want to wear the same type of clothes! I love the feel of it when it touches my skin.
I don’t like this food. It tastes bad! I don’t like that smell. It’s awful!

These are my inner struggles.
Why is it hard for you to accept and understand?
It takes time for me to learn things.
You don’t have to raise your voice in order to change my ways.
Be gentle and say it nicely, please.
I also have feelings that could easily get hurt.
I may look the same as you but I act in certain ways that are quite different from you.
I have my own preferences that you should try to respect and understand.
I am teachable as long as you keep your instructions simple and clear.
Please don’t try to complicate things. It makes me more anxious and confused.
I think through images and pictures.
I love routines and I learn in a structured way.
You have to remind me every time through lots of prompts because I tend to forget easily. This is due to my short term memory.
Take me to somewhere nice where I could exert my energy without being anxious to the things around me.
Crowded, noisy and new places scare me.
I love my mom. She is special to me.
I love my toy bear. It brings me comfort.
I got ‘special friends’ at school.
They are so nice and good to me. They take care of me and play along with me. I like them very much!

So you see, I have these inner struggles that I, myself find it hard to understand.
I don’t want these things but they are inside me and it is me.
I may be different, but remember, I also have feelings like you.
I just wanted to be accepted, loved and understood!

This poem was created in dedication to my son’s inner struggles with autism.
I was inspired to create this poem in the way I see my son struggled with his sensory issues when he was little. I was able to communicate with him through his emotions and taught him different emotions to enable him to identify what he feels.
These inner struggles made it hard for people, who do not know him to accept and to understand his ways. Every day is like a battle for him which he has to cope and live with.
My intention is for people to see and feel what it’s like to be different and how one could help to make a difference to someone who feels different.

“Join me in creating a world of difference by raising autism awareness and understanding!”

What Does It Feel Like Being Autistic ?

This is a question which every parent would want to know about his child. What does it feel like being autistic?

My son, John did not speak until the age of 3. He only knew the words, Mama, and autistic son and groom-453953_640Dada. When he wanted something, he will take my hand and point to the thing that he wanted me to get. It’s a bit frustrating to see that my beautiful little boy cannot speak a word except Mama and Dada. When he wanted our attention, he will bang his head on the wall out of frustration. He could not maintain an eye contact whenever I talked to him and seems pre-occupied on his own play.

When John turned 7 years old, he became focused and has a great attention to detail. I remember that he used to ask questions about the direction of the clouds. He will then tell me if it was moving or not and in what particular direction. He could see unusual street signs and if there was a possibility that it might rain just by looking at the clouds. He is very observant. Mental Maths is his strength. He could add three digit numbers by another three digit numbers with speed and accuracy. He likes converting hours to minutes and minutes to seconds. We could talk about these topics all day without him getting bored not unless it was not his area of interest. He likes routine and gets angry when there is a break in his routine. He always flaps his hand whenever he gets excited or happy and always repeat words for constant reassurance. He always giggles on his own when he remembered something funny that he had watched before. He takes things literally most of the time and does not know how to see social cues and gestures. He makes screeching and sometimes loud noises whenever he gets frustrated.

All these things were manifested when John was still little but mostly have disappeared now, that he is 17 years old. The only thing that he does until now is to giggle whenever he sees and remembers something funny. He still takes things literally at times.

As a parent, we need to understand why they are behaving in such a way so that we could better understand them. We have to put our world into their world. Sensory issues are their greatest enemies and they are trying to tell us that their senses are overloaded with what they see, hear and feel. It will be hard for them to cope unless we will give them our love and support. If you need some more information to better understand our role, please click this


Watch Temple Grandin talks about her experience being autistic, from not being able to speak when she was little until she became a renowned author and professor.

I sincerely hope these insights have helped in some way, and welcome your questions should there be any.
Adel 🙂

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